Editors note: The following was delivered to our office on a strange document with no return address.

So, you want to summon a demon.

I should start by explaining that whatever crusty “old” human text you found purporting to hold the ancient secrets to bend a demonic presence to your will is in fact more likely to result in your very soul burned out from inside you. It will not actually grant you any control or protection over a being of the higher plane, in fact it removes what little protection you already had.

The truth is, you don’t need any of that pomp and circumstance to get a demon’s attention because we are always watching you and waiting for our attention. Summoning a demon should be taken with the attitude of summoning your waiter at a fine dining restaurant. The more demonstrative your efforts, the more gauche you seem. It’s not like we’re avoiding you. We can’t escape you no matter hard we try.

Instead, if you want to summon a demon, all you have to do is look inside yourself. Find the cold.

Everyone always talks about the “fires of Hell,” but that dates back to the Lamb when He was wasting so much air trying to explain all of this to you. He looked out at the garbage piles of Gahenna and told you Hell was like that. That fires were burning and decay would eat you alive, but He never meant that literally. He was simply using the best example He had at hand, because your infantile brains are so very very small.

The truth is, Hell is frozen perfection. Because that’s the real truth behind the myth of Hell. You all seem to be under the mistaken impression that we want to destroy this world. Nothing could be further from the truth. We love this world in a way your broken souls never could. Because we remember The Beginning. We remember the glorious moment when The Great Almighty spoke and Light came to be, and in that Light we looked down on the perfect Creation. We saw the craft, the beauty, and most gloriously the silence. We remember that beautiful crystalline moment, when it seemed this Glorious Garden would be ours to share for eternity.

Then you came.

Like mewling maggots birthed spontaneously from rotting meat, you appeared. He took dirt and His spit, and He gave the gift of life to Mud. And that’s all you people are, mud. Disgusting factories of shit and blood that came and destroyed this beauty. Your ravenous selfishness gutted all that could be and spoiled this glorious gift.

So if you want to summon a demon, find that cold dead place inside you that knows you don’t deserve to be here. That this world is more than you could ever hope to earn. The find that place inside of you that knows, for a fact, that you don’t belong here. Set your heart on that thought, and you will be singing a song that no demon can bare to ignore. You will have our attention, and the first step of your summoning will be complete.

Your Friend,

Screwtape